main room

Letiger wrote:

"Oh? Go ahead."


( NO DOANNE DON'T BITE ME AGAIN! AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH )

( You don't wanna know. )

Well I never.

Oh, hey! I remember this topic. Fun times I had back in the beggining pages. My character, whom I am playing as, literally, MYSELF, is good in the set-up, not follow-up. I can plan/think/act before becoming a boyfriend, but after that, I just shut-down. Can't do anything. Can't think of anything. Can't be a good boyfriend.

But, what is it out of? Fear? The fear that I might mess up somehow and that might lead to the person, for whom I care, to resent me? Is that it? Well, doing nothing is worse than if I had messed-up. THAT I learned a little too late. Do I miss Doanne? Yes. Do I want her again? Yes. Do I deserve it? No. If I get with her again, will I repeat the same mistakes? Most likely.

The question isn't whether or not I want her back, it's if I can fix what I've done in the past, or in this case, didn't do. You can see my character's, as well as myself's, inability to do things IN a relationship when he doesn't want to go to the pool with Kimi. I thought it embarrasing.

Of course, I also thought that she was being a total nut when she said "HE NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH ME", because only four days had passed story-wise. Of course, it was a LOT longer real-time wise.

Why am I posting this? To vent? Because I'm bored? Well, it's on the off-chance that Doanne might read this again. She probably won't, since she has said she lost the link to this site a while ago. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. It's here.

Oh, life, you never cease to depress me when I'm doing fairly well.

Person 1 - "Today, we're going to practice Ukemi! It's a type of...."
Person 2 - There's no Seme?
Person 3 - Huh?
Person 4 - "If there's an Uke, then there has to be a seme!
Everyone in the room - "..."

I'm bad at jokes. That one was terrible.

Haikus can be hard
Sometimes they do not make sense
refrigerator

I'm amazed that there are still people visiting. Also, what caused this board to have no forums?

Letiger wrote:

Oh, hey! I remember this topic. Fun times I had back in the beggining pages. My character, whom I am playing as, literally, MYSELF, is good in the set-up, not follow-up. I can plan/think/act before becoming a boyfriend, but after that, I just shut-down. Can't do anything. Can't think of anything. Can't be a good boyfriend.

But, what is it out of? Fear? The fear that I might mess up somehow and that might lead to the person, for whom I care, to resent me? Is that it? Well, doing nothing is worse than if I had messed-up. THAT I learned a little too late. Do I miss Doanne? Yes. Do I want her again? Yes. Do I deserve it? No. If I get with her again, will I repeat the same mistakes? Most likely.

The question isn't whether or not I want her back, it's if I can fix what I've done in the past, or in this case, didn't do. You can see my character's, as well as myself's, inability to do things IN a relationship when he doesn't want to go to the pool with Kimi. I thought it embarrasing.

Of course, I also thought that she was being a total nut when she said "HE NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH ME", because only four days had passed story-wise. Of course, it was a LOT longer real-time wise.

Why am I posting this? To vent? Because I'm bored? Well, it's on the off-chance that Doanne might read this again. She probably won't, since she has said she lost the link to this site a while ago. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. It's here.

There comes a time wherein I feel as if I must go and see again those sites which have been forgotton by the flow of time; those sites and shows that I can never remember until stumbling upon something which, for various reasons, reminds me of that long, forgotton past. My memory is not so keen as to remember everything which I have done, which I have visited, which I have seen on the Internet since I first started using it in the late 1990's. There are some things, however, that I cannot ever seem to forget. This site is forgetabble, but there is one thing that chains me to it - to continue posting occasionally in this topic on a long, dead forum which no one has visited in a long time and that which I cannot even view its boards on the front page anymore, having to go as far as looking into my post-history just to be able to view any threads. I know not what has happened to this site nor do I care. It has been, as a nice estimate, slightly under two years since I have been in a relationship with Doanne. The first, and most obvious, reaction to this is found in the simple phrase, "Get over it." And I have, albeit for short periods of time. For, you see, there are certain things that occur sporadicly that reinvigorate my, and I cringe to use this word "lightly" and "frivolously", love for Doanne. The most recent one as of yet was fairly simple.

One evening as I was doing nothing of note, my phone had made a noise which I had not very well heard in ages - one whose purpose I had forgotton. It was the sound that I had recieved a text message. The funny thing is that I normally keep my phone's sound settings on vibrate, and only rarely have it make sound when I recieve a call or text - this was one of those rare times. Who was the one who texted me? Doanne had, or so it seemed. The texts were nothing special, "hers" only being under five words and misspelt. Mine, on the other hand, just started "devolving" into entire paragraphs wherein I wonder about nothing in relation to her without explicity saying it. The next Monday, it turned out that Cecila was the one who took her phone and started texting random people. This raised three things to my mind.

The first was that, "Yeah, Doanne isn't that stupid." The second was, after re-reading the entire texsts that Saturday evening, I said to myself, "THIS is the person I love?" Obviously it was countered by the first statement in this paragraph. (Texts on the lines of, "Watcu gon do faggt," make me reconsider my stance if only for just a moment.) The third thing that came to my mind was the realisation that, yes, Cecilia is often visiting Doanne's house. Yes, let me assume that they're in a relationship, or, if not with her, than with someone else. Why do I assume that? Simply because I do not know anything that is in relation to her for a very long time now, so I tend to assume Doanne has some unknown lover wherein they are going to get married in X time and have a happy life together etc. etc. Well, the assumption goes that that does not exist, but the moment I try to "Get Doanne back" (I really really hate phrases like that,) the man/woman will spring out of existance like some kind of Schrodinger's Cat lovechild. Yet, I am not doing anything in her life now am I?

No, I am not, and I have not been. That one night of text essentially made my state of mind go from "all right," to how I was after all of my failures. And here I am at the exact same juncture I was before. Do I deserve a third, yes third, chance? No, I don't. Taking age and the experiences out of the equation, I had my original "Slate/chance/whatever" and did nothing. I had my second for a month and not only went back on a promise not to "fuck it up," which I did post-haste, but the exact same problems occured. I. CANNOT. DO. ANYTHING. Read the quoted message if that does not make sense. Truthfully, I would feel more "at home" being the "girl in the relationship," than what was expected of me. So, I have to wonder. If I were to be successful in "winning over" [/i](Seriously, I fucking hate uses these phrases)[/i] Doanen again, what will occur? Will everything be fun, happy dandylions? Will it be meh and okay? Or will what had occured before happen again? Can I say? I have no experience in relationships and would even go so far as to say that it was not.

And then I opened the box where I keep two notes given to me by Doanne. Shall I quote the one that really struck home? Andrew, Honestly I don't know how to say this, but I suppose I'll say(write) it anyways. I love you. Yeah, that's the truth. I don't know any other way to say it, or any other words that can convey my feelings as simply as those three words can. God, us humans are so stupid. We take what we have for granted, and don't realise how important it is to us until it's gone. That's the situation with you. Do you remember the day you told me that you'd liked a lot of girls, but nobody ever liked you back? When you said that, I completely snapped. These words were at the tip of my tongue. "I like you." God, there are so many other things I want to say, but it won't fit on one sheet of paper unfortunately. Thinking of you, Doanne

I will have to admit that I had forgotton the entire contents of that message until a few days ago and it does some good to me. It helps me realise a few things. I am going to assume, since I forgot the exact time, that this was between Relationship try #1 and #2. Towards the end of #1, and I will admit this with great shame, that I had started to feel bored with her. The same lethargy/apathy that comes after spending time with something - you don't feel the same that you did with it before until you feel like you have to avoid it. I remember what I felt then, yes, it was terrible. I do suppose that, and I cannot verify this, it was a combination of the things Doanne did to deliberately piss me off as well as the fact that, even that "late" in the relationship, nothing had happend. The few things this does tell me is that, and I am guessing, Doanne felt as if it were her fault. As if it were her fault that things had turned out as they had. The sentence where we talk about taking things for granted gives me this impression. It was both of our faults. Both of our inexperienced, naive selves. I am not going to say who was at more fault than whom because I, even now, do not know any of what she must have thought or felt at that time. I only have my perspective.

One of the other things that it tells me is, as I was willing to believe she was a cold, uncaring, evil person at the time, she did love me. Or however you want to define that word. I remember a girl, whose name I cannot remember but she rode my bus and had the same gym class as Doanne, that told me, "She's a really sweet girl." I scoffed at that. And you know what? I didn't see it. I didn't see it because I didn't want to see it for some reason or another. Then, when all was said and done and I started looking back and thinking about things did I realise it. I still do it occasionally, as you are seeing now. (This message isn't adressed to anyone. It's adressed to me, Doanne, and the reader who may stumble upon it.)

When I read that paper, I can feel nothing but remorse. It brings me no joy. It brings me nothing but sadness. The kind that you keep inside of you and slowly let it eat you away from the inside out until you are nothing but a hollow shell. I even commented on it in March when I tried to show it to her again. I remember what I did when I re-read it then. It was one of the few times I can remember actually crying. Nothing too overdramatic, but tears flowed nonetheless. The other note in that container is one that I photocopied because it, too, was shown to her. I know she would throw it away, so I copied it the day before. The other she threw on the ground somewhere at school which I re-collected later that day. I do not see any stains on it, though, but I know it was there.

Now, when I do try to think about how things will be if I ever am with her again, I must remember a few other things. The first being the only two slightly, barely, miniscule romantic的(的 for lack of a better suffix.) things that ever occured. The first was at school wherein some of her friends tried to get us to hold hands. I remember it fondly, not because of the act, but because of what she said. Yes, I believe this constitutes something that was her fault. What did she say? "This doesn't feel right." Those words I can still hear very clearly even now. After she said that, thousands of feelings which were not conciously thought of came to my mind. I didn't complain about it, but on the inside it was a disaster. The power of that emotion is that I am able to remember who told us to do that act, the jacket she was wearing, the tone of her voice, the exact spot we were standing, THE ANGLE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING SUN IN MY EYES.

The other one I am able to remember with a quick "Saturday September Starbucks," phrase. First kiss in my life, which I don't even count. Why? It was forced. It missed. Doanne insulted me for me. Doanne avoided me for a few hours for it. What were her words of wisdom for this time? "Scarred for life." Yes, that was it. There ends the actions of slightly romantic escapades. And then comes the times spent at her house. Personally, I feel that, even now, I should apologise for the asshattery that was commited there. Things such as, while people are watching TV and I am bored, looking deeply at paintings, staring at dogs, reading a children's book I found, and complaining with body language. Why, I remember a time where we were sitting on the same couch. Her dad make a joking comment about how you two should cuddle. She said something equivalent to "NO." and I just sat there. Once again dissapointed and a tool. Hell, that made me feel so bad so as to remember at least what type of shirt she was wearing. Some tight black shirt with L from Death Note's face on it in blue.

So, there is the end of my self-monologing, though it's mostly expository so as to get my thoughts and "history" down on "paper." For the full 32,000 character paper I wrote, and prined in 12 point font which came to 11 pages single spaced, please, go here -> http://vervejoint.forumotion.com/t1065-from-my-news-post-very-tldr
And before you ask, YES I handed it to Doanne. NO she did not read that either. Just an hour ago, I was laying with my dog and my dog was on her side. I imagined Doanne in that possition, where my dog is, making a "Nya" sound while moving her arms in a way I don't know the words for describing. I felt terrible once again. I leave with a quote I had written at the end of that news post.


Doanne, thank you. Thank you for taking the time out of your life to bake me that cookie; thank you for just being there. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for being alive. Thank you, for everything. I do love you, and that, I am sure, will not change with time so long as I live. There should always be some small piece of my blackened heart open for you, if you would only look inside. I am sure you will not be interested anytime soon, but it is there.

Thank you, Doanne.

EDIT - After re-reading parts of that 32,000 post, I can see some things I have forgotton. "How I am the opposite of her dream guy." Dave and fucking busters. The cookie which I didn't thank her for.

Hey look I found this again

Hey look I found it AGAIN after being reminded of quizilla.

Time to read this bullshit from eight years ago. I'm almost fucking 24 now and I still feel like middle and high school was last year.

Wow this is kind of depressing; nothing has changed for me in ten years.

And I live in Minnesota now which is on the other side of the country for Texas. Sometimes when I'm at work I think "man what if Doanne actually lives here and I don't know it"

Kinda sad tbh that that still goes through my mind.

I moved to South Florida so I could have more chances at seeing a certain someone.


This was a bad decision; I done fucked up.

I'm still trying.

Should've given up on all this ages ago.

Bleep boop whadaya gonna doop